5-4-Fri: Five Guys

Do you have a Five Guys burger joint near you? Never fear; you soon will. This Alexandria, VA franchise began with simple stand-up service featuring just hamburgers, but has grown to provide stunning fries along with hot dogs and other scrumptious offerings. Still, even in the face of limited expansion of the menu and massive expansion of the brand, it is a back-to-basics kind of place that emphasizes the essentials. With 400 franchises in 25 states and growing from coast to coast, that attention to taste and fresh ingredients is making the Murrell family into millionaires despite a rising tide of public consciousness about healthy eating.

More power to them. As one of the massive, endlessly energetic fellows in the moving company said with reverential awe once he had helped to unload all of my stuff into my new apartment: "You live near a FIVE GUYS." Here are five reasons this Friday to love your fun local franchise:

1. The Burger. Hard to say enough about the burger. Made from a mix of lean and not-so-lean beef. Half a pound per patty. Think carefully before ordering a full burger -- it features two patties. I order the "little cheeseburger" and still stand proud.

2. The Fries. Okay, the french fries are so good that sometimes I just get them by themselves. They are made fresh from potatoes cut on site -- what our more pretentious restauranteurs would call "housemade" -- and cooked in fresh peanut oil. The potatoes sit in their bags in stacks out in the waiting area with you. A whiteboard sign announces where today's potatoes come from. No map (bad form) but still....

3. The Peanuts. While you wait at McDonald's (watch that possessive, people) you enjoy nothing except perhaps a sensory preview of how much fat is in your food; an olfactory heads-up that, while the timing of your first heart attack will perhaps come as a surprise, its eventual arrival is somewhat predictable. While you wait at Five Guys, you get to eat peanuts out of a massive box. As many as you like. As quickly as you like. You used to be able to shell them wantonly onto the floor; that is discouraged these days. If you have peanut allergies stay faaaar away. If not, rush to Five Guys right now.

4. The Yelling. Woefully loud. Screeching, really. Once your order is ready, the designated screamer hollers your order number (handily printed sequentially at the bottom of your receipt) into the general airspace of the restaurant. They do this even if they can clearly see you standing and waiting. They do this so rapidly and repetitively that your ears face a penetrating, deafening roar several times no matter how quickly you sprint to retrieve your food. They seem to enjoy this part best.

5. The Condiments. Hot sauce. Jalapenos. Bar-b-que sauce. Fried onions. Along with the traditional pickles, onions, mustard, and their brethren. You want it, they have it. I still have not yet settled on the perfect combo. Think about it. There a many, many variations you can try and -- when you have it right -- you get to savor the perfection.

Eat 'em while they're hot, people.

PS - The base player in my band tells a stunningly cute story about his five-year-old grandson who orders his burgers with childlike precision: "I want a hamburger patty. A bun. Catsup. No salad. And no rice." The boy considers lettuce to be salad and thinks chopped onions look like rice. That is the cuteness. Oh, and "Smooth Operator" by Sade is also coast-to-coast hepness; now playing on iTunes.