Do It: Watch Kutiman Mashup

Legion are the false promises of the InterWebs. Remember how there would be no digital divide? How ads would be a thing of the past? How there would still be newspapers?

But few Nettified functionalities have been more of a woefully sputtering fizzle than the vaunted mash up. "Yo, dawg, I herd you like watching online content and contributing some user generated content. So, we put content in your content so that you can watch while you watch." But now a dude goin' by the handle of Kutiman ("Wait a second, son, "handle" in the post Y2K world? That's a 10-4 good buddy.) has Made. It. Happen.

Behold, the mother of all funk chords!

Ohhhh, the goodness. The cleverness. The sampl-i-ness of it all. Uncle iClipse is recommending it to those of you who have not already been bombarded by it on FaceBook or had it reTweeted to death.

Do it! Watch Kutiman.

PS - Funk is the bomb. Funkiness lurks all around us. Sometimes it is clear to me that jazz is secretly just a bunch of funky music nerds who are tired of how easy it is for them to be funk-i and making it harder for their own enjoyment by (a) doing it live and (b) only making the funk obvious to the insiders. Oh, and "Cantaloop" by US 3 is fu-hun-kee; now playing on iTunes.

Phonetic Alphabet

A friend of mine challenged me to learn the Phonetic Alphabet. You know the one--it's what soldiers are busy saying in all the old war movies: "Roger Home Base, this is Echo One. Our location is Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. Awaiting instructions. Over." I was initially unconvinced of its value to a civilian in the 21st century except as an engagingly eccentric interest/ability; of which some would say that I perhaps already have an overflowing cupful.

Yet, I was recently doing that thing where some business has established a convenient voice recognition system to aide you in your inquiry, but, woefully, it only speaks a sub-dialect of Russian, so when it inquires, "What movie would you like to see?" and you respond, "Zombieland" it says, "You have selected 'Maid in Manhattan;' is this correct?" Except I was actually using United's phone booking system and the automated woman and I were facing some early relationship jitters as she consistently misheard my boarding code, which was something intuitive like XGFCHLMT. After the third failed attempt she says, "We appear to be having difficulty understanding each other." I reflexively brace myself for the "It's not you it's me" speech, but then she says, "Let's try something else. Say the name of something that begins with each letter. For example 'Alice' for 'A' or 'Bob' for 'B.' Please repeat your boarding code this way now." Too late I realize the utility of the Phonetic Alphabet, which would have gotten me quickly to my flight departure information and made me look impossibly cool at the same time. Instead, I made up wild silent letter and other fantastical associations for my own amusement--"X as in Xylophone, G as in Gila Monster, F as in Fenestrate." She was less than amused. I gave up on our burgeoning love (hey, a sense of humor matters) and pressed "O" for a live human being.

Don't get caught out this way. Immediately, as I now have, memorize the following alliterative alphabetic mantra:

ALPHA
BRAVO
CHARLIE
DELTA
ECHO
FOXTROT
GOLF
HOTEL
INDIA
JULIET
KILO
LIMA
MIKE
NOVEMBER
OSCAR
PAPA
QUEBEC
ROMEO
SIERRA
TANGO
UNIFORM
VICTOR
WHISKEY
X-RAY
YANKEE
ZULU

PS - Have you noticed that Joss Whedon is using the Phonetic Alphabet to name the "actives" in his underwhelming new tee-vee show, "Dollhouse"? Oh, and "I am Trying to Break Your Heart" by Wilco is Golf Oscar Oscar Delta; now playing on iTunes.

Mocked by Slate

Michael Agger at Slate.com has unknowingly taken a swipe at The Bloguscript. In his 10/1/2008 posting, "Blogging for Dollars," he wrote:

"Once a blog hobbyist goes pro, he or she faces a daily pressure to churn out new material. In the wrong mind, that can lead to top-10 lists, recycled ideas, half-baked notions, lots of viral videos, and a general increase in information pollution."

I am sure Michael did not mean to besmirch the idea of 5-4-Fri with that whole "top-10 lists" bitch-slapping. After all, the ideas may not be new, and the posts may feature a lot of links to videos, and, uh, well, durn it I guess Michael is aiming squarely at your favorite end-of-the-weekly goodness. I suggest that you take a stand. Write a stern letter of support for 5-4-Fri to Agger. Boycot the products not to be found at Slate.com's empty store. Refuse to attend Yale.

Or not. Come to think of it, Agger was commenting on a report released by Technorati regarding the massive salaries to be drawn down by bloggers who reach more than 100,000 or more unique visitors each month and who subsequently cash in on Internet advertising. Not really my problem. Here's my solemn vow: I'll keep it real with two weekly posts for all 5 of you and you'll forgive the demi-Top Ten lists. After all, woefully, blogs are dead.

Glad we cleared that up.

PS - It is fun to track the virtual non-readership of this blog on Sitemeter--you can see the little icon at the bottom of the page. I can tell how many people visited, from where, and when. The stats are laughably small. Seriously, a vertical axis of 10? Oh, and "Concrete Sky" by Beth Orton is listenable; now playing on iTunes.

Excellent Quotes: Say Uncle

This past week I attended the inaugural reading of the Poet Laureate, Kay Ryan. She is my favorite living poet and she turns out to be a funny, funny human as well as a master craftsman. During her reading, Ryan included, "That Will to Divest":

"Action creates
a taste
for itself.
Meaning: once
you've swept
the shelves
of spoons
and plates
you kept
for guests,
it gets harder
not to also
simplify the larder,
not to dismiss
rooms, not to
divest yourself
of all the chairs
but one, not
to test what
singleness can bear,
once you've begun."
--Ryan, Kay. Say Uncle. New York (NY): Grove/Atlantic, Inc., 2000. P. 17.

PS - I opened the door to the Madison Building for Ryan as she was on her way in to the event; woefully, she didn't recognize me, the Middle Manager Laureate. Oh, and Rybyn Hitchcock's "Underground Sun" is fun; now playing on iTunes.

Excellent Quotes: The Sign of the Four

Sherlock Holmes time, peeps! Sooo many great quotes to choose from. Well, woefully, sometimes you gotta just bite the bullet and go for a classic. After deducing that Dr. Watson has just been to the post office to send a telegram, the celebrated detective reveals his deductive method to his amazed companion:

“Why, of course I knew that you had not written a letter, since I sat opposite to you all the morning. I see also in your open desk there that you have a sheet of stamps and a thick bundle of post-cards. What could you go to the post office for, then, but to send a wire? Eliminate all other factors, and the one which remains must be the truth.”
--Doyle, Arthur Conan. The Sign of the Four. New York: Book-of-the-Month Club. 1994. Pp. 5-6.

PS - The Sign of the Four is the tale in which Watson scores the babilicous Mary Morstan and subsequently gives up his bachelor ways for domestic bliss--something Holmes never considered, even for “the woman.” Oh, and “Stupid Mouth Shut” by Hem is simultaneously perky and gorgeous; now playing on iTunes.