Friday, May 29, 2009

5-4-Fri: Five Guys

Do you have a Five Guys burger joint near you? Never fear; you soon will. This Alexandria, VA franchise began with simple stand-up service featuring just hamburgers, but has grown to provide stunning fries along with hot dogs and other scrumptious offerings. Still, even in the face of limited expansion of the menu and massive expansion of the brand, it is a back-to-basics kind of place that emphasizes the essentials. With 400 franchises in 25 states and growing from coast to coast, that attention to taste and fresh ingredients is making the Murrell family into millionaires despite a rising tide of public consciousness about healthy eating.

More power to them. As one of the massive, endlessly energetic fellows in the moving company said with reverential awe once he had helped to unload all of my stuff into my new apartment: "You live near a FIVE GUYS." Here are five reasons this Friday to love your fun local franchise:

1. The Burger. Hard to say enough about the burger. Made from a mix of lean and not-so-lean beef. Half a pound per patty. Think carefully before ordering a full burger -- it features two patties. I order the "little cheeseburger" and still stand proud.

2. The Fries. Okay, the french fries are so good that sometimes I just get them by themselves. They are made fresh from potatoes cut on site -- what our more pretentious restauranteurs would call "housemade" -- and cooked in fresh peanut oil. The potatoes sit in their bags in stacks out in the waiting area with you. A whiteboard sign announces where today's potatoes come from. No map (bad form) but still....

3. The Peanuts. While you wait at McDonald's (watch that possessive, people) you enjoy nothing except perhaps a sensory preview of how much fat is in your food; an olfactory heads-up that, while the timing of your first heart attack will perhaps come as a surprise, its eventual arrival is somewhat predictable. While you wait at Five Guys, you get to eat peanuts out of a massive box. As many as you like. As quickly as you like. You used to be able to shell them wantonly onto the floor; that is discouraged these days. If you have peanut allergies stay faaaar away. If not, rush to Five Guys right now.

4. The Yelling. Woefully loud. Screeching, really. Once your order is ready, the designated screamer hollers your order number (handily printed sequentially at the bottom of your receipt) into the general airspace of the restaurant. They do this even if they can clearly see you standing and waiting. They do this so rapidly and repetitively that your ears face a penetrating, deafening roar several times no matter how quickly you sprint to retrieve your food. They seem to enjoy this part best.

5. The Condiments. Hot sauce. Jalapenos. Bar-b-que sauce. Fried onions. Along with the traditional pickles, onions, mustard, and their brethren. You want it, they have it. I still have not yet settled on the perfect combo. Think about it. There a many, many variations you can try and -- when you have it right -- you get to savor the perfection.

Eat 'em while they're hot, people.

PS - The base player in my band tells a stunningly cute story about his five-year-old grandson who orders his burgers with childlike precision: "I want a hamburger patty. A bun. Catsup. No salad. And no rice." The boy considers lettuce to be salad and thinks chopped onions look like rice. That is the cuteness. Oh, and "Smooth Operator" by Sade is also coast-to-coast hepness; now playing on iTunes.

Monday, May 25, 2009

2009 Indy 500

Commuting into Your Nation's Capital this morning I heard something I never expected to hear on NPR. The reporter noted that, yesterday, the Brazilian super star and perennially popular Hélio Castroneves won his third Indy 500 after emerging from some serious financial issues that threatened to wreck his career -- he won by almost 2 seconds, by the way -- and that he was followed by a previous race winner, Brit driver Dan Wheldon, and third place finisher Duh-neeka Patrick.

Wow. You have got to be woefully, self-mockingly out of touch as a news reporter to not know how to say Dan-eh-kuh's name properly. Do some homework. Call a friend. Watch a Go Daddy ad (or don't, those ads are lame). But, seriously? She is in a rare class of famous athletes who simply get referred to by their first name: Lance, Tiger, Shaq, Danica.

Would anyone say, "Be like Mee-kay?" Inconceivable!

Sure, she is not the greatest star in the racing firmament -- most other one-namers (say, Kobe) absolutely dominate their game and play it at another level, like them or not. But, she is the first woman to win an open wheel race. She has placed 4th at Indy. And now 3rd. And she is smoking hot.

Learn how to say it, people. "A-B-D" or "Danica! Danica!," she has earned the right to hear her name pro-now-see-ed correctly.

PS - Maybe I care too much. But I have some good friends--and a fellow godparent--who hook me up with annual Indy tix and let me tell you: while the view is undeniably better on the tee-vee -- frankly, it takes me about 60 miles just to be able to individually distinguish the cars as they scream past our seats at the notorious 4th turn into the straight-away containing that ole yard of bricks -- the event is cool and the gang. Oh, and "Silent Shout" by The Knife is great driving music; now playing on iTunes.

Friday, May 22, 2009

5-4-Fri: Washington Post Hunt

Editor's note: The Washington Post "Hunt" is organized by Dave Barry (hilarious humorist), Tom Shroder (Post Managing Editor), and Gene Weingarten (dude who inexplicably hangs around with the other two guys). The Hunt is modeled on the wildly popular Miami Herald Hunt which has been run for more than two decades--also started by the trio. Contestants gather downtown and are posed 5 individual puzzles that take them from the main stage all across one of the city's neighborhoods; they then return to the main stage for a final challenge. All answers are in the form of numbers. Lunatic fringe smarties who answer all 6 quizzes correctly before anyone else win bragging rights and an annual prize. The 2009 running of the Post Hunt marked the second year of the event in DC.

DAVE: So, this year we decided to take our 19-year-old inner-city, clue-driven scavenger hunt and tailor it exclusively to frustrate iClipse.

TOM: Last year he was unaware of the inaugural version of the Washington Post Hunt in DC. This year he was invited to join a Hunt team by two friends -- primarily because Paula and Bella were both unavailable -- and became quite intrigued.

GENE: I am much funnier in person.

DAVE: We decided to play on his budding interest and excitement by humiliating and confusing him in public.

TOM: Seemed only fair.

GENE: Seriously, my columns don't show it, but I crack these guys up.

DAVE: We began by challenging iClipse and his teammates to the first of 5 puzzles and -- okay, this is really funny -- the trick was that the clue was unsolvable!

TOM: (Snort)

GENE: Hee hee.

DAVE: Okay, okay, heh-heh, okay, (TOM: Snort) stop it, stop it, haw, okay, it was actually unknowable, (GENE: heeheeheehee) and they totally failed to win as a result of, heh-heh, as a result of (TOM: Snort), because it, stop it, stop it, you're killing me, because, bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!

TOM: Nonono, stop it, ha-ha, ha, hahahahahahaha...

Editor's note: Although the "Statues" puzzle was an insane and unfair challenge, replete with a classic spirit-of-the-game no-no (a wrong answer clearly appeared to be plausibly correct), the rest of the Hunt was a brain-tingling experience in awesomeness and is the topic of this Friday's list:

1. The Crowds. Some 10,000 (ish) folks turned up to play the Hunt. It is great to see so many people all tearing around their city having fun, fun, fun. The friendly competition atmosphere featured out-of-towners (some from Miami itself); family teams; humongous, obviously semi-pro teams with matching tee shirts; and dogs (small, emergency back-up dogs, even).

2. The Clock Puzzle. Okay, I bust Gene's chops for his woeful "humor" columns, but he does some smart reportage for the Post and he ghost wrote a 300 word "First Person Singular" column for the Post Magazine section that made absolutely no use of the letters "s," "i," or "x" -- you gotsa respect that! I was somewhat scared that Gene and I think alike because I was instantaneously struck by what the answer had to be.

3. Dave Barry Played Guitar. It wasn't a Rock Bottom Remainders concert, but I'd pay money to see Dave play the guitar. Heck, I went mostly to see Dave, period. He led the crowd in a power ballad version of "Old MacDonald." Good times.

4. The Company. I have no illusions about WHY I was chosen to participate in the 2009 Post Hunt. Had better, smarter, more reliable, girlier humans been available, I would have been left home asleep and clueless. But, I am a humble, humble monkey and grateful for the chance to enjoy the day with good friends pursuing the sublimely ridiculous. This is a reminder to get your friends together and have fun as often as possible. Good for the soul.

5. The Brain Hurtage. Not that "Angels & Demons" didn't get all up in the face of my grey matter; not that I don't enjoy trying to figure out why Dick Cheney is so intent on proving that Nancy Pelosi KNEW that his Administration was breaking the law and misleading the public; but it is refreshing to have your intellectual and creative butt kicked by three deviously evil geniuses. My brain hurt for 2 days. Kudos.

PS - During the online "Aftermath" chat, iClipse's close, personal friend Shannon asked a question, cleverly disguising herself as "Arlington, VA". Now she's all famous. Shannon: "We are considering the best type of teammate for 2010. We added a poetry-knowing, geography-knowing, jogger with a hollow leg. Good add. We had to balance him out with female-drive attention to detail and multi-tasking. We avoided too many alpha-dogs. We did not win...Any suggestions for building a team next year? Are shirts a factor? Follow up: Best place to drown sorrows/punish weak brain cells afterwards?" Hunt co-creator Gene Weingarten made up for a lot by responding: "It would help if Dave, Tom or I were on your team." Oh, and in addition to playing their lead guitarist's axe, I wonder if Dave knows "Take a Chance on Me" by ABBA?; now playing on iTunes.

Friday, May 15, 2009

5-4-Fri: Cyclysm Sundays

The Tour de Lance is clearly a gateway drug to cycling fandom. For the past several years, I have moved beyond obsessive watching of the Tour de France and have been enjoying the complete marriage of TiVo (yea!) and Versus--which began life as the less testosterony "Outdoor Life Network." Many weekends now, I find myself on the couch ("I am on the couch; what are YOU on?") watching some obscure-to-Americans cycling "Classic," like the Tour de Moins Vite sur Lourd. On a series called, "Cyclysm Sundays," Versus offers single-viewing coverage of a One-Day-Classics bike race, from the season-starting Milan-Sanremo to the recent Tour of Flanders. Their coverage gives you summaries of the day's previous action and then brings you into real-time racing to the finish line over the course of about 2.5 hours. Here are 5 incroyable things about these Classics:

1. Stijn Devolder. This Belgian rider just won the Ronde van Vlaanderen (Tour of Flanders) in a bold breakaway that was awe-inspiring. As American George Hincapie said, "Stijn was on another planet."

2. Bob Roll. The man strangles every single foreign word that comes his way, talks with his hands on TV, and is the Magic Johnson of cycling--in the sense that he is clearly the dude still most enjoying the sport after his retirement; not in the sense that he dominated his sport even for a second.

3. Traffic Furniture. The Europeans seem obsessed with putting concrete obstacles in the roadways for the sole purpose of trashing their competitive cyclists, who smash themselves and their machines apart on these low-lying but deadly traffic islands.

4. Crazed Fans. I have seen a lot of things that scare me on television--Republican operatives claiming to be impartial Fox news broadcasters, the Snuggie, anything with "Idol" or "Dancing" in the title--but let me tell you that I am utterly flabbergasted by cycling fans who look intent on colliding with their heroes during races. The fans regularly dash out onto the course, obscure the sight-line into hairpin turns, wave on and off the road like so much human surf and run like maniacs next to the bikers on hills steep enough to make a footrace with the leaders possible.

5. Distance & Speed. These dudes are inhuman. Classics require that the peloton cover as much as 185 miles in a single day and still have the juice to sprint for the finish. The insane combination of distance and speed no doubt accounts for the woeful epidemic of doping in the sport but it also creates a sense of awe in the viewer.

PS - I am going to head off for a bike ride myself now (for as much as 25 miles at speeds of up to 23 MPH!) oh, and "Hey Ladies" by The Beastie Boys is cyclastic; now on iTunes.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Do It: See "Star Trek"

Quick note to all geeks: J J Abrams has done it again. His new "Star Trek" is very enjoyable. Honors the past, updates the "franchise" -- man, I wish the Hollywood people wouldn't woefully erode their own movie magic by talking about franchises and brands and platforms--and introduces some fresh new cast members. A few complaints, but they are mostly along the lines of "more Scotty!"

Do it: See Trek.

PS - I find myself already memorizing lines from the film having seen it only once. "I am and always will be your friend." "Bull@#$%." Oh, and "Transcendental Blues" by Steve Earle is out of this world; now playing on iTunes.